Bold

Hello,

I am now 27. And in few yas it will be 2022 and I will be 28. Who knows we'll come this far. And just be fine, or I might say we 're still teh same Ain. hahaha. Frankly speaking, Ain has gotten mature with her thoughts and feelings. I'm proud of that. So shall we talked about how mature are we now? Or if your're reading this in future, this current Ain might not be mature at all pun hahaha but who cares, we're making progress here. So I'm going to embrace it here as memories :)

First of all, our feelings. Back in school days, I'm a crybaby. An awful crybaby who cries at everything that doesn't goes well in her own plan. She's super kiasu. She almost never accept defeat in her life.

Highschool
But as she went to high school, she slowly accepted that she is just an average human bein. There are so much pretty, intelligent, gifted human being in this world. She just hardworking. And she grateful for that. An still cries over grades. The kiasu is still there and that kiasu is what brings the current Ain here now. Thanks for your stubbornes we survived in this world. She had crush on several guys in high school but never mention it to anyone. even to her best friend. So no one knows what's her true feelings. BUt if she feel frustated about not winning, yeah she'll cry. back to this crush thingy, yeap she hid in deep inside cause she don't want this romantic feelings get in her way of being successful. I've mentioned she had several crush on some guys in highschool right? But did I mentioned, she's quite cute back then so she had numbers of guys crushing on her as well hahaha. And one of them, managed to get her heart but she hid it so well at one point their friends wondering if she really dislike the guy? Cause she rejected him a few times. And the last time the guy confessed to her, and she still didn't show her true feelings, the guy gave up and had crush on another girl. And then she had her first proper heart break. And as stubborn as she is, she shed one drop of tear and went to sleep. I don't know whether that is her being strong or being stubborn. i'm confuse.

University
Then moving on to university life, she still having this crush on her highschool friend who started to ignore her when they moved highschool. She tried having several crushes to seniors and colleague but this highschool guy personality make she fall hard for him. as mentioned, this highschool is ignoring her right? Yup to the point he blocking her in Instagram acc. yup, still crushing. I still didn't know how she managed to kept crushing on this guy, but maybe because she haven't founda guy that seems so nice to his family and to his friends. The good personality of him is something she didn't managed to find anywehere else. And of course she get some news about him, through her best friend who again didn't know she had feelings for this guy. And to add more fuel to this fire, her bestfriend kept matchmaking Ain and this highschool guy without this bestfriend know that freaking ain is crushing hard. hahah. And of course she had somebody crushed on her as well, but not a many as she recieved during highschoo. Bet she getting more ugly after those years hahaha. But yup she cold. And afraid of what people will say, since the crush is a way senior than her. so during uni dyas, she only had this 'crush tepi jalan'. And her oppas. She head over heels over Mino Winner and some other actors hahahah.

Working
so you thought the highschool guy in uni is over? nope. hahaha. but so, she knew this not going to work in the future, she had clousre by confessing to him. and of course get rejected. and she is totally okay. Only at that moment, she had severa months process of moving on, but it's easier since he already blocked her at instagram so she doesn't have to suffer that much. hmmm. her colleageu once have a crush on her, but yup he way older than she is and way more senior. ths guy is obviously giving hints and other colleagues noticed it as well. but i chose not to because of his personality of keep whining of every single things. urgh i get that you're the only child in your family but shouldn't you act like an adult here at your workplac. and to make it worse, when i went back from a long holiday, my face breakout teruk, then he mocked me continously. excuse me, that's my most insecure area for you to mess around with, so i get angry and smacked him at the back. thank god, i'm going to transfer to diff worplace in few days so i didn't have to face him everyday. gosh he's the cause of my insecurity getting worst now. I can't.

Life after half century
covid strikes. and the only people i met this past two years are colleagues and patients. no one caught my attention haha. so crush count is almost nil. but i'm on instagram all the time, so i noticed this one guy from highschool that i never noticed before. he had similar personality of previous crush and work as an egineer at a good workplace. as you noticed, i've started getting bold since the confession. so here i'm going bold as well. i dm'ed him and start to ask questions. and he kindly reply me. mostly about his cats. omo so cute!!! but what i observed was, i'm the only one who asking questions. He didn't even care about my life. so i figured it out. there's no point of having feelings and to proceed with that feeling if the other party is not interested on you at all. so i uncrushed him. i succeed. and months later, he had a girlfriend. luckily i've uncrshed him first. or else, i'll break my heart again haha. But several guy approached me through friends and family, but i didn't feel like to play with feelings at the moment. and of course because the recommendations (?) are not a match with me. they're ustaz or something. like hello im wild as heck kot???
the world is changing, most of people are single now due to covid (ye ke?) so dating apps are not a taboo anymore. among people our age lah. sebab maybe for our parents that was not a good idea. padahal they're doing the same things, match making their daughters and sons through mutuals. huhu. so that being said, I've downloaded bumble. downloaded once for few days, match with someone and talked to him for few dyas and then felt not right and deleted it right away. Then re-downloaded it after several months. maybe because my colleague kept talkng about how she met various of people through tinder, so i was swooned by that. like why not we try this again for fun. since i hae no intention of getting serious with anyone for now. so i'm being more bold. i said hi to al people who matched with me. and now i'm in a talking phase with this one guy. he made me so comfortable during this talking phase. it felt like we've known each other for long, and we just catching up with each other lifes. so i decided to delete bumble and informed him to contact me through insta if he wants to. and he did. and now it's been about three weeks. and we chat non stop. i mean, we replied wach other late, which i like causei got my own life too but the conversation kept going. since he stays in melaka and next week, i'm heading back to melaka for long holiday i wanted to know if he's going to ask me out during my stay in melaka. cause if he did, and still comfortable with each other, then i think i shoul think about this seriously. and need to know that if he also think about this seriously. cause girl and boy, i got no time to waste!
but frakly speaking, i'm getting attached to this guy. so i'm afraid. but i think i kept showing my true feelings as i dropped hints or whatsover. so like, i don't know who the heck ain who hides her feeling anymore? hahaha. hopefully it goes well with this guy. so i can stop searching. hihi.
so that's all how ain becoming bold with her feelings over years. i don't know if being this bold would result in any good results but being invisible is so much worst from my prviosu experience. so yeah we'll see. love you ain.

2020

Hi, it's been almost two years of not blogging here. But no worries I sort my thoughts and feelings well (?) through phycical journal I bought last two years. So before I talked about what's in my head right now, I'll just want to update you what I've been doing these past years of no news in here. hehehe.

2020

Jan 2020

fa alluring me to Winner Concert like oh my god the ticket price so expensive but since i dont't know when will i meet them cehhh, so i joined lots and lots of competitions to win teh ticket but not with my luck lah kan. Fa already bought her tickets at the very frot row on the left row. Since i didnt win, i bought one but at most far back huhu. But a t the venue, someone wanted to sold her front row ticket where fa located! so i bought that and sold my ticket to nadiah! hahah. scream like crazy and it felt so urghhh lve it. might be last concert though. had so much fun.

Feb 2020

joined Imaret charity clinic with no one. yes you read it right, i didn't have any companion to go to this event. hahaha. tapi i gain priceless experience and it was in kl! hahaha gigih datang. also since ainul going to move to johor for her permanent posting soon, we decided among ourselves, the frp, to go for a short trip in penang!

Mar 2020

Covid hits! Movement control order takes place. Wear masks at all times, sanitize everything, road has been emptied, all worker work from home but not me. yeah a lot have changed.

April 2020

Ayah bring his sayur business at home. so we set up a mini market at our car porch and deliver all the orders to customers. frankly speaking i did not like the idea of doing business with family. we fight a lot. but we spend so much time a lot as well. well, blood is thicker than water. who else gonna help my father if not us, his darah daging. cause we love each other thats why.

May 2020

our first raya at home. felt homey, make rendang and all but it only last a few hours cause then i'll be doing laundry at laundry shop. that was my version of ziarah raya. cried when uwan didn't allow to go bak to kampung when angah went back for picking up vegetables and what not. but yeah it's for our safety. and i start wearing contact lens during this month as well heheheh

June 2020

ainul and anis last day in KKAK. and get my tooth extracted. sakit :( ohh and we managed to gather with our family for doa selamat since the mco has been lifted for a while.

July 2020

went to pulau perhentian with kirin, bee and shasha. kinda last minute trip but i've wanted to go to pulau since forever. and of course while the mco been lifted we went and have fun there. also our result for permanent post was out and i didnt get any email for extend contract so imight get the chanceof being permanent. fuhh.

August 2020

able to celebrate raya haji at kampung but ofcourse with cautions. also my last day at KKAk since i've been transferred to KKBatu Berendam, a new KK. quite fun setting up a new place and learn all the basics. but only be able to work there for a month plus since i've received the permanent placement in Johor.And bought this ipad as a gift for myself hiks

September 2020

my last day at KKBB and it's time for a new adventure. I've been placed at a hospital! yes, scary. and yeah is kota tinggi, a place i've never heard before. and yes its at the end of peninsular malaysia. and yes its far far far away from home. but luckily, bee is placed here too. huhuh or else i might be homesick as hell. well i did though. also, since i moved to far place my parents persuade me to buy a car. so Honda jazz hello my pwetty 3.0. hope we're getting along well hehehhe.

October 2020

adapting myself in hospital. need to go for numbers of kursus and training. fuhh hospital life.

November 2020

mco strikes again, covid cases hit high, unable to go home. ward getting filled with covid patients. colleague getting infected. omg it feels like a zombie movie where you needto be careful with everyone and everything huhuhuhu.

December 2020

have started a hobby of doing journal stickers and since im journaling and cant go back home, im thinking of selling them eheheheheh. and also angah ahs been diagnosed with juvinile glaucoma

yeah stay tuned for 2021.

hello

Hi!

It's been a year! I've been venting my emotions to Fa mostly in 2019, and my other written diaries (yeah you read it right. I have no idea why i have several diaries in a year hmm) Oh let me list out what I've been doing this past year since tomorrow will be a new year 2020. uuuu

Jan 2019: Hospital attachment 
- scared as hell when they said ipd sat 5 is the scariest place for prp. but well, alhamdulillah i adjusted well thanks to my fellow prp friends

Feb 2019: Clinical attachment
- went to MAPS (a theme park in Perak) for free. Tickets were given by Ayah Anjang.
- as i arrived there, i got a text from clinical pharmacist (rumor said she's nice, so i'm relieved to get her as my preceptor) said that i/m not in her ward for the next four weeks. WTH. then which ward I'll be assigned to? En Fakar's (clinical ward) and Miss Pei Xing's (geriatric ward). Informed Kok Hou abt the news, guess what he scared me the most, he said miss pei xing is the one all prp wanted to avoid the most. I cried.
- En fakar's ward attachment went smooth because he let me do my own work and did not ask me questions unless i asked him first. But miss pei xing's ward was the opposite. she asked me tons of questions. freaking scary. but i learned a lot from her. she's nice walaupun ada lah kena marah sekali dua lolz.

Mar 2019: Back to IPD and galenical attachment
- i've gain experiences during the past months and i've been acknowledge by the garang PFs there. huhuhu such an accomplishment
- an ex TGB guy tried to ask me to watch movie together padahal he's in KL and i'm at Melaka. well i know that was a move. But I just act clueless. gittew. I've opened up a bit, I get to know him first but as I know him more, he's the one who always said bad words and tweet explicit things. a big no no. and rejected his offer to watch movie.

Apr 2019: went back to KKAK
- after so long i've went back to my original facility, but then miss shiyu asked which one better? hosp or clinic? frankly the people are nicer in hosp, but the workload and environment i'll just say no thanks. i'd enough. tiber. but in clinic, the workload and environment is better but the people, making things harder. huhu. and she agreed hhaha.
- went to aifaa's fashion show. oh girl you really make us proud back then. so inlove with you again and again

May 2019: Puasa
- can't recall anything memorable. but it's when family mart finally open in Melaka, so after break fasting we went to Jonker walk to taste the udon the hyped about. i'm a first timer. My goodness, I know it's the grand opening but chinese peopleeeeeeee you guys don't even fast... why are you lining up as well. the line was freaking long haih. we went back after midnight i think. uhuhu

June 2019: Raya
- i tried wearing contact lens. oh my it was a hell ride. hurt my eyes so bad. so i just wore them during first raya hahaha. Thanks to them i look pretty decent in photos cehh. hahaha. It was a fun raya to be honest. we have addition of two ipars and we raya harmoniously gittew.
- oh not to forget i worked the second raya guys. I worked. but half day only lah. miss hiyu insit. i love her. hahaha
- when hakim wore cast on his arm because we went raya until midnight and accident near jpj bukit katil. his wrist twisted and till now it wasn't in the normal position.
- went to penang for mira armir's wedding tapi the real reason is to hilday and visit fatin!i went there with aifaa and nadiah and we have tremendous fun. and can you imagine, we were tired sightseeing in the morning, then we decided to watchtoy story 4 later at midnight, and guess what four of us fell asleep during the movie. each one of us awake at certain parts of movie then explained to each other the plot hahaha. but nadiah slept very soundly from the adv before the movie until the credits roll. haihh haha

July 2019: logbook
- the month that i anxious about cause the next month i need to send logbook already.
- lukman belanja us frps and im the only prp at the time, tony romas. maigod he gave us rm1000 to eat guys! and he expected us to finish the money and he schocked that we pulang the baki to him! Ya Allah it was a very fancy place to eat. But less to my liking even it serves only meat the food i love most but it was just too fancy, i cannot. ahhahaha. but alhamdulillah for the lifetuime experience.
-rachel got posted to sabah :( but the fun syaf get to stay with us hehehe

Aug 2019: FRP ehem
- i've got my license already!
- raya haji. then we went to a hotel in seremban which located at awalking distance form aeon seremban. enjoyed 'walking" haha

Sept 2019: Birthday month
- joined X break. maigod we have to practice almost everyday and i was criticized for being to stiff despite being the youngest in the group? I just don't want to join. I was forced to do so :( but the good side i get to know more of KKak staff's
- pharmrun in banda hilir. It was good to see familiar faces from hospital during the run. eventhough i just the lines man hehehehehe
- got birthday cake from  my family. awhhh, after so many years we don't properly celebrate any birthday events this year was just ahh full of blessings. maybe we all stay in one roof after so many years living apart form each other.

Oct 2019: Korea
- I was persuaded by these fav bunch of people to go holiday to korea with them. hesitated at first but i was not regret of my decision. love love love the trip so much, we got to do so many things. cheers to them for revisiting some places they've visited before just to show me part of korea that i have to experience <3 p="">- was able to join random gangnam concert festival and get to see latest korean kpop idols hehehehehehehehehehehe padahal duduk jauh nun di belakang but we've enjoy every little bits

Nov 2019: Rejected
- i spent a night at eza's rental house in cyberjaya. so excited in case dapat terserempak dengan crush since he stay there as well.
- the next day met up with lace street girls. ohmai nak catch up gossip haihhh tak cukup masa. Nadiah and shasha finally got someone special in their life. me and minie being the diva just loved ourselves a bit too much cehh. tipu sangat. then later in the gossip i was told to end my crush already cause it has been so long and maybe that was why im unable to find someone. alasan kan.
- so that night, i confessed to my crush and.............. as mentioned, i got rejected. but he replied my name withe correct spelling which rage me more! and guess what's his partener name? farhana???? hello find other name please!

Dec 2019: Family day
- it was a stressful event to plan everythings out with banyak kepala. but alhamdulillah it turns out evry well,. uwan atuk the makciks and pakciks seems very happy for how the family day turned out :')
- fell in love in brush lettering and started to learn and have a book to scribble some quotes. also in love with bullet journal. so also made one starting dec and insyaallah need to commit this journal until the end of 2020. hehehe.

so next year goal
- to step out of my comfort zone
- to be more fun and adventurous
- to visit more countries with family and friends
- to finally meet that special someone

okay sekian angan angan

video uploaded in youtube hehehe

the day me and fa ate ... hmm ya Allah forgive us please

one of my fav boomerang

cam tiber but bye hahaha

sense of belonging

i didn't want to whine so much. but i did. hahahha

so today i just feel down. i don't know exactly why. so today actually is the pharmrun day. my first time participating in a run, and my first time socializing with other pharmacy worker in melaka. and how it goes? its good! i run for 2 and half km and walk for the rest of the 'run' hahaha. ainul went ahead left me behind. but i feel just relax, power walking through palm trees. hiks. haven't been in nature for a long time.

so far so good. but then back at home, i read a post about an HO quitting because of toxic environment in her workplace. it is indeed toxic, thus it bring my mood down as well. and I suddenly thought that i'm alone in this battlefield. Ainul, Anis and Farhana has their own friends here in Melaka. but i have no one i expected to meet during the run. or maybe i expect to find jodoh there. duhh hahaha but ofc nope there wasnt jodoh there.

and to make the wound more painful, these hospital's prp in prp seoul discussed about how to send info into skt hrmis. and i like, what's that gurllll? It's like adding salt to this fresh wound i create myself. huhuhu. i feel like i didn't feel any sense of belonging here in my work area. but then my friends in other places at least has each other. physically. i really wanted to be close to my notts friends. why am I so far away from everybody :( im not stghong!!!

Okay Ain, it just 2 months since your started working. youll be fine. like you did in Allday. You'll make some close friends. just be nice to everyone, and theyll be nice to you. love you ain. be strong. dont let these little things bother you. you're significant in this world.

Adulthood

Hi the more adult ain! You okay now? Are you struggle with the unfairness of workloads again? No? Guess youre okay now then. Whether you're fine with the load or life is just getting fairer now. So let's start with how i get a job. Hiks. Alhamdulillah 17.7.18, I've choosen a place very near to my house as my workplace for 2+ years! Its been complicated between KK Ayer Keroh and Hospital Tampin. But home it is! Then early august I've reported duty there and it's been two months now working there. Just to say for these two months i indeed learnt a lot and work a lot 😅 maybe beacuse i'm new or i'm the youngest, they really do make me do alot of work. Still bearable. Thanks to frps that helped me alot. 

However, if i'm comparing myaelf to my friends whom in hospital right now, i would be nothing. Of course. And yes, because i'm comparing, i'm a little bit depressed and anxious of everything. Like gosh they know alot now, like gosh they have a tons lot of patients compare to KK but i complained a lot. So i rather be quiet. Only talked when people talked. I've became the ain when she was in mock pharmacy in her final year. She did nothing but silence. Did her work in silence, not to disturb others, not bothering them. No. But maybe better than before because she's much more confident now. 

 

Here. The words of comfort i meant for someone else, comfort me a lot more. Allah gave these for me, through me, initiate by a friend. Alhamdulillah eventhough in these unhealthy environment i work with, im blessed with frps who are willing to help me, to back me up when im wronged, to show me the correct way to do things, to not laugh at me when im making mistakes, to have a lunch with me everytime, everyday and talked about how we gonna improved these unhealthy work environment we're in. Thank you Allah for these people. Thank you Allah for placing me in Ayer Keroh so i can see my parents everyday, my grandparents every week, my cats my precious every single dag. Alhamdulillah. 

ramadhan

ramadhan mubarak everyone!!

so today is the second ramadhan of the year and i spent the day with workig in the pharmacy and break fasting once in pharmacy and once at home. fair enough. both experiences are the best! hiks. so today is my first terawikh for the month at the surau. speaking of which, this reminds me of last ramadhan we spent in nottingham. i loved our ramadhan back then. we break fasting together as housemates and prayed terawikh and tadarrus together afterwards. Usually we break fast at 9pm so all the sessions will be ended at midnight. so the tadarrus was reallyyyyy a sleepy tadarrus. hahha. we did all this in amini's room because hers are the largest among all. i miss. huhu. i miss them. i miss the coldness where we need to share amini's duvet while tadarrus. i miss the vibe.

weirdly if i need to recall when we're break fasting, the last two years' ramadhan where fa, bee and myself breakfasting at their house. maybe that was the first ramadhan i spent in overseas, fa away from family. everyone were back in Malaysia back then, left us three pretending to be strong enough (actually kedekut tak nak spend duit untuk tiket flight duhh) to spend the whole ramadhan and celebrating eid fitri there. But unfortunately, after coming back from turkey, bee's attempt to went back to Malaysia made all of us went back to Malaysia for eid. So we spent our Ramadhan together. At first, it was sooooooo boring. We didn't do anything. So i go back and forth to 41 lace st and 13 claude st. I ironed all my clothes, cleaned up 41 lace st, make some scrap book, watch pretty liars and many more but still there will be some time before break fast. Being so bored we started cooking at 5 pm like we usually did in Malaysia, but still have 4 hours before maghrib huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu. so we cooked slowly and enjoyed trying amking dishes and kuih muih. So that's what memorable to me. I loved it. I miss us three. I miss shakirin as well. I miss dayang nurjeboniss. hiks.

hope this ramadhan is filled with blessings and love form Allah. My our deeds will be accepted and may only goods will come to us now and onwards. again, salam ramadhan everyone!

video on how creative we were

husnozon!

just to clarify this is to remind myself for not being the bad one.

so ive been working as sales assistant in allday pharmacy for half a year already. what an accomplishment! everything is great except the habit of the girl who always badmouthing this one guy. not that im on that guy side, i dont really like his personality as well but i think you guys are filled so much hate towards him already huhu. so now each and everything he did, these girls will find faults in him.

ingat ain. people in this world is reallly reallyyy filled with different personalities. you need to be more understanding and be more flexible. at the same time you need to be more contained with your stand. try imagined yourself in their shoes. you might find the reason why they behave in that way. think before you act. watch your mouth watch your actions. be husnozon (sangka baik). and the most important is sabr. 

challenge will come to you when you most needed it. be it about coworkers, workload, family, money or anything. Allah set these challenges perfectly bearable for you to handle. just go with the flow. fight with strong faith that Allah will guide you through. these will make you stronger and be a better person in the future ain. They will. Allah will. You will. InsyaAllah. 

'and for your Lord, be patience' (74:7)

post from 20 jan 2018

Its been awhile isn't? So short story so that I would know this in the future. No i dont think it will be short.

So at first there's this one guy came with kaki dengkot dengkot. So kak has asked me to bandaged his ankle. So since then, this guy will keep tegur me everytime he pass by pharmacy. And the daysss afterwards atul keep on saying my jodoh lalu my jodoh lalu. And i thought its was him. The guy i bandaged last time. But hell yeah he was married and have pretty kids! So i tell atul about that! Gila ke apa kan?! So atul corrected me. The one she said was the other guy who work at the same shop as the married guy! And that guy named nasir! I was lulzzeddd ada jugak nama tu diselit selit huhuhuhu. Since then mmg asyik ternampak and terserempak and terperasan yg dia mmg selalu menjengah pharmacy! And here we go everyone in the pharmacy know! Except several people but most of them know and then one day kak has told me in front of everybody that 'my tulang rusuk' came to pharmacy when i was in holiday. Farid was there too! And he was one of the several who haven't know about that yet. Knowing his stubbornness he insisted on knowing who is that guy. He guessed almost every guy in the mydin. And he hot it right at the end of the day. Shocking news, the next day while farid was away from pharmacy kak has told kak ina kak tasha about yesterday story. The shocking news was kak has told me that farid also ada hati at me when i first work there. I was like wth kak has!!!! Hahahahhahahahahhaha so itulah ceritanya. Typing this in surau actually and not my break time yet and 15 minutes has passed. I need to go now! Anyeong!

dream maker

so hello!

i've known as a girl who have such unique dreams and i always told them to my friends or even wrote them somewhere because it's so epic! so here are some of my dreams that were written somwhere in my media. lulz.

this is the current one! i wrote them directly after waking up from sleep.

'Today's dream is another dream that can be reproduce to make a blockbuster movie woohoo 🙌 so it was like an amazing race i was  first a staff of the game not a participant but somehow when the game start, i found myself running as well! Tue game was fun! In every corner or space you need to find a clue card. It usually contains on what to do next or where tp go next, i cant remember who exactly in the dream with me. But i know for sure there was angah! He was like the top two and im the top five! Yay 😊 lulz 😂 i cant make it interesting here but honestly the challenge on the card and the need of being such creative in solving riddle in the card amazed me. And how come my brain could come out with such dream. Maybe because kak ina asked me what viper challenge is.  There was another dream where i was a victim of harassment from my teacher and the whole school friend were protecting me. But the school teacher was really really really psycho! I think i told the dream to fa so let me check in previous text in ws!  '

next are the one i wrote directly to fa because i was too excited for this blockbuster dreams hahahahha! (sorry it is in form of screencapture instead)

story 1

#story 2 this happens just like 5 days (13/8/2017) after the previous dream hahahha i produce interesting dreams everyday y all!

jangan cakap hakak tak payungggg hahahhahahahha

and i think this was my first time writing my dream and shared it publicly :'D

and it was like 8 years ago hahahahhahahaha

aku sgt trjkut ngn mmpi ni..smpy bgn tdo trus cpai lptop..ni cte bnar beb!

aku x tau pulak ade mrsm jahat kt malaysia ni..tp tu la yg mncul kt mmpi aku.cmni..*jap recalll..ok da. 

aku dpt twaran kuar dr tgb*wa stu brta baik! aku dpt antara mrsm gmencheh ato mrsm jahat uh *x tau ape nme dia.mamai!. tp ntara tgb ngn mrsm jahat uh mrsm jahat uh lg dkat ngn umah aku..mse cuti aku dok lupe psal mrsm jahat uh.aku cme pk aku dpt stay tgb je..aku dh jnji mcm2 ngn kwan aku kt tgb..yg aku ingt, akma aku jnji nk belasah ko * huh nth pape. anis, aku jnji nk peluk ko!. faa, kite jnji nk dpt 4.0 sme2..*yg btul2 pon msuk an?plik! ade lg yg lain da lupe.mse nk beli bju skola.ayah aku x kasi beli tdung biru,*tudung ldp. aku pelik kjap time tu. pas2 aku wt bodo je.jgn byk ckp nnti ayah x nk beli bju baru.*haha suma pelik! mse dftar ayah ngn ibu anta aku g mrsm jahat uh!mnangis2 aku x nk pegi.tp ntah aku ikut je.skola tu bruk sgat.bdak2 kt stu nmpak sgt kjahtan diorg.tkut gler.lagi stu yg lg tkut.aku dpt stu bilik ngn laki.!!gile ar an.bilik dia sgt kecik dn buruk.tp ade aircond!*huh mimpi2..mse nk msuk ade dorg laki tgh baring kt ktil tu.so mse diorg nmpk aku msuk , diorg pon kuar sbb fmily aku rmai.*mse tu sme mkcik pakcik spupu spapat sume ikut.haish lg pelik! aku dok tepi tingkap.mcm biasa. *dr sharodz smpy ke tgb aku mmg dok tepi tngkap. mse g pjabat dia aku rse cm nk mnangis lagi.tp bile aku nmpk stu kelibat.yg muka dia sbijik cm aina ahad!trus aku brubah ceria.aku tny dia 'aina wt pe kt sni?aina nk msuk sni ke?'. dgn bgge dn riaknye aina jawab 'haah nk daftar la ni'.aku dgn kuat dan lantangnya smpy stu pjabat dgr kta kt aina 'jgn aina nnt ko mnyesal!'..pas2 jln lagi nmpk sorg badar tgb laki.x ingt nme dia spe.*ala yg kurus2 tu..aku rse mse tu. ish dak tgb ni dah gile agaknya.mse sbuh,kitorg kne kjut gne siren n aku tdo pkai tdung!pg2 tu kne g padang amek air smayang.peliknya!!mse turn aku.aku trsungkur.n ade la sorg ni.dia gtau aku klau nk kwn ngn bdak baik2 kt sni ade bdak tu nme dia ..ntah x ingt...tp dia baik la..ok pas2 g breakfast.mkn sdap gak ar.smpy knyg la aku mkn yg pasti.ok mse nk msuk klas aku.jap klas aku 289.*ni yg pling aku plik!puas kliling skola crik x jmpe.n akhirnya jmpe gak.dlm klas tu sume pkai bju lain2 kaler.ade yg pkai skirt, bju tdo pon ade!*a'in!mimpi apakah? pas2 bile nk msuk cgu dia sndri x tau tu klas ape.ish!time msuk klas lpas da confirm, aku nk dok dpan.tp ttba tcpak kt blkg.scond last.dok sblh bdak yg bwk mainan colourful.*meriah! pas2 bdak gile glamour dpan aku pusing blakang dia kte "dsbbkan bday ko sme ngn bday justin bieber!*huh! dia hadiahkan aku stu bju.

pas2!pup!mimpi ilang kne bngn subuh!ya Allah aku x tau la ape mksud mmpi tu.tp aku gle trkjut..mmg sgt mrepek.tp nk cte gak ngn korg.sbb nnt lme2 aku lupe.nk kte aku x smayang isya" sblom tdo dh smyang.ish plik..korg jgn gelak ey bce cte mmpi pelik aku ni..aku ngis bjuta kali au dlm mmpi ni sbb korg.aku ngis sbb asal aku x dpt stay ngn dak tgb.or asal aku x g je gmnceh.ha sume nme korg aku sbut time tu.jgn main2..

and these are the comments for being such bravery for posting it publicly? hahahahahahahha

okayyy i'll update more if had any more interesting dreams hahahhaha

Post-anxiety

Just to clarify in case lupa diri suatu hari nanti, that you are such a drama queen. So do not criticize people who overreacting on certain things. You need to understand that you too have overflowing of emotions. And as much as you love theme park so do your feelings. They are exactly playing rollercoater over and over again. Just like you did in skegness. And crying and talked to people is how you handled them. You just need to blurt it out. you seems to cannot control these rollercoaster feelings. They're just come and do onar in your brain. They make you think about every worst possibilities that could happen amiing you lost trust in Most Powerful. Reminder for yourself ain, just like jahiliyyah, you can't just get rid of them without feeling the empty space with good deeds. So as well of these bad feelings or thoughts, you need to get rid of them and replace them with your strong faith towards Allah. Every tests that Allah put you through just to mak e you upgrade yourself to another level of life. Never expect things to get easier over time, never! It will only getting tougher and tougher, and so is yourslef. You just need to do the same thing. You need to be stronger and stronger. Ain you are capable of doing things that beyond your imagination! You are strong than you imagine you are! Please stop comparing yourself ain! Don't mind what people think, what matter most is what are you in Allah's view. Get your purpose of life straight! Do everything because of Allah! Okay? Okay!

Dilemma: Nak balik malaysia ke nak sambung pre reg kat sini 🙁

Current situation: Nak balik Malaysia and kalau boleh nak jadi budak forever. Tak nak kerja tapi dah penat belajar. Ya Allah kenapalah lesu sangat semangat juang dalam diri ni ya Allah. 🙁

Can't think about any title at the moment. I just feel so sad. So suddenly. I was on the phone with ibu this afternoon. And now it's midnight. Things run through my mind when I tried to sleep. And one of the things were Mak Et asking me to contact uwan because she's sick and Ibu complaining her wrist feels pain and what I did was just jokingly asked her to tie her hands as she unconsciously folding her wrist in sleep. And i just felt regret. Until just now. Thinking of how many hours and days I've spent with my family. Oh my god, there were really little. I think I've spend almost 10 years only committed to study and by the time I graduated and got a job then I'll be spending the rest of my life on work and my new family i guess. I really want to spend more time with them. Ya Allah just please don't take them away from me in this moment. I want to create more memories together. Or just don't take me yet. One i may be not ready. Two, I need them. They're my everything. Even though I was looked like I don't care, but I do really care. Just please make them healthy and happy while I'm not with them, and make them happier and healthier when I'm with them. Please. 

Still hold high

Im still hoping hahahhaha

Salahkan drama weightlifting fairy sebab buat aku teringin nak ada org ada dgn aku susah senang cewah. Joonjoonhyung satuu!! Well as said im still held my hope high. I still hold your 'promise'. Not sure if that's an empty promise or a joke or whatever it is, tapi sebab kan statement tu lah I still held my hope high. We've been lost contact for years now. 5 years? Or maybe 6? But sometimes I still hear about you from my friends. Tak sure la kau sedar tak aku wujud lagi dalam dunia ni, tapi I wish you could. Hahaha. Cause I still held my hope high didnt't I? 

Well I'm at the age of thinking kalau I'm in a relationship right now, I would staright away think that I should marry him. Sebab beb kau dah 23. OMG. And jahatnya aku pergi fikir ... Biarlah rahsia. 

K itu sahaja. Serahkan kepada imaginasi anda untuk sambung apa saja. Mengantuk. Adios! 

Stress lah. Dah tiga minggu excited nak balik kampung tapi sekali pun tak dapat. Tau tak perasaan dah excited tapi last minute cancel. Okay that feeling every time. Balik msia batu sekali je dapat balik kampung. Tu pun masa raya. Ish sumpah sedih terkilan marah semua ada. Geram. Stress. Kalau aku tau jalan balik kampung lama dah aku sorang je balik tadi. Benci

novel

Just a sudden thought while i was tweeting about how I accidentally 'syok'ed again at reading novel hehe

Back to 2010, amboi kemain. Okay serious, back to 2010, i think that was my last novel which i think that was the thickest and the 'emo'est i can be while reading it. I forced myself to finished my homework early so i could read that novel and finished it. Even now i can still remember how weird at first the novel was. There's a scene where the lead girl banging her head towards the wall just to get rid of 'satan' in her head. I find that scary till now huhu. And that novel was lended by someone who doesn't talk to me anymore after a while in that year till now. Terluka hati i. Sampai sekarang tau! It's okay kalau jodoh kita kuat kita pasti bertemu and if i could gather up my courage to ask you why you avoided me all this time, i'll asked you dengan nada paling marah sekali (not shouting ofc nanti dia lari lagi) (apa ingat aku hantu ke?!) (i'm prettier than a ghost okayyy?!)

Okay bye

More fb post

Nah. Lagi satu heartwarming comments. Reason kenapa heartbroken biar ingat sendiri k.

past creates you

it's been a while. and i'm here in malaysia huhuhu. gebang kata tak nak balik tahun ni. haha balik juga akhirnya. selamat hari raya guys! now it's 9th raya! alhamdulillah still dpat duit raya lagi tahun ni. hiks!

okay back to the main topic!

past creates you or the environment you lived in creates your personality. As previously said, bila I tried to write down or talked about my problem, I would regret of saying it out loud. sbb rasa macam ish tak bersyukur ke ain dengan apa yang kau ada sekarang? that kind of feeling. rasa bersalah for not being wholly grateful for what have been given to you. macam tu. so i know i'll regret this later, tapi since i've poured it out once to amini and nadiah so maybe it will lessen the feeling of regretting of complaining. lulz. kaitan. dah lama dah poured out this topic, tapi bila tengok bandal chinggu (a Winner's broadcast bout childcare) where Mino and Seunghoon described their students' real behavior to the parents and how different the students are at home and school strucked me. huhu. I'm different too. I'm not sure about others, I do think that I have split personality hahha. When I with my family, I would be less expressive. Tapi dalam hati hanya tuhan yang tahu gitu. But I expresed anger well lulz, sebab tu my brothers sometimes called me Kak Ros sebab asyik marah je. huhu. And when I'm with my friends, I think I act like spoilt brat. I do. I am. I'll act like I'm the youngest and they need to love me more than others. Craving for attention gitu. I expressed it well though; baring on their laps, menyendeng in their room, sleep besides them, play with their hair. And maybe because diorang pun treat me like that kadang kadang kalau i think i'm hell annoying haha. well i sedar diri. I don't know why I being like this. hmm that's what my environment did to me.

kalau cerita pasal pasts pulak, I do have a lot of scars. Psychically and literally. Tapi now we're talking about literal scars. First how I control my anger. Honestly kalau hidup dengan aku dari kecik smapai sekarang I do improve a lot. A LOT! For instance dulu masa darjah 6, kalau ada pertandingan hias kelas ke apa ke, and kalau ada orang buat design jadual kelas sama dengan apa yang aku buat, I'll get angry. Sumpah scary (gedik pun ya yang gedik menyampah tu). I'll bebel and cry sampai I get what i want. Maybe this is more to competitiveness. Ni pun satu hal. Tapi ni tak ccol down sampai sekarang but how I handle it now, better la sebab I supress my anger hahaha. This kind of attitude continue until Form 3. lama kan haha. Main reason I think why I have less friends. haha. Now bila ada something yang buat aku marah, I'll stay quiet and complain in heart. Sampai tahap tak tahan, I'll run away and talk (whatsapp) to someone who don't know to whom I'm angry to. Then I'll calm down. Mybe sebab aku tak nak gaduh. Besar besar gaduh buat apa, so I think supressing is a better way than expressing it. Kau nak hidup dengan manusia tu lama lagi. That's what I thought if I feel like exploding. Secondly, about trust and people. Dulu I think, I easily trust people. Sekarang pun ada la lagi sikit. Tapi after several incidents, dh tak nak dah percaya 100% dekat semua orang or reveal abt myself even 40%. Sebab when I'm revealing my true self or cerita problems, that's mean I trust the person. And sekarang ada certain orang je boleh tau problem aku. Dah tak nak dah. TAK NAK! So I jadi lebih jual mahal sekarang haha. Hmm.

Banyak benda berubah daripada dulu. How I talk, how I behave, how I think. Banyak lah and all that thanks to experiences. Betullah orang cakap pengalaman mematangkan kita. And satu lagi, saying yang kata luas permandangan, luas pengetahuan. Since I'll able to travel around the world ni (ceehhh) I do learn a lot. About facts, navigation, transports, and most interesting is I learn about myself. I realised that when I'm alone watching views from trains, planes, cars I think alot. Lagi lagi bila kita tukar tukar partner berjalan. Lagilah I reflect banyak. Sebab we treat people differently according to how they treat us. And one more! Kawan kita dalah cerminan kita! Ni sumpah betul! Sebab, kadang kadang I talked exactly like she did. And I dnt like it. Maybe sebab aku rasa aku nak dia rasa apa yang aku rasa but thats not the best way. Hmm. So bila my friend do something yang I think uncomfortable to me, I sometimes reflected "macam tu ke aku?" Hm. bukan budak budak je tiru apa kita buat. itu pengajaran ya!

Alright. So much already! and this rojak language amboi. K boi!

crybaby

such as crybaby. tangan ada bisul sikit pun nak nangeh. padahal tak sakit sangat pun. cuma sakit kalau bergerak dan disentuh. and nangis tu sbb takut doktor nak picit nnti. just the thought can make me cry. ohmai such a crybaby. alhamdulillah ada kawan yg sangat sangat baik. thank you minie bagi pinjam steroid. thank you shasba letakkan timun and balutkan guna plastik (huhu), thank you fa concern and nak temankan aku pergi jumpa pharmacist esok. thank you kirin dengar aku bebel nangis sbb takut kena picit.

Exaym ke awuck

Yew sayew tengah eckzem. Wow macam ejaan eczema.

Yes indeed after a month of study week finally set off to exam. Two days constutivley. Cancer essay and CNS rogo. and both lecture materials combined can get two Alquran. I mean the pages. Never had this kind of exam schedule before (back to back exam) so it was hectic. Really. I thought I would never focus during study but right after a tiring evening perah otak for cancer exam  then straight go through over another thick handbook cause you need to finish this in less than 24 hours, I break record of studying straight for 6 hours. Not sure how many lecture in the module but surely have a full list of medicines in an A4. Tu tak masuk lagi k thats for what and what side effect and complication and all. No ain tak baik mengeluh. But after the exam (dont ask how was it) Dengan computer asyik crash and you previously saw the question in the handbook but thinking its too late to find the answer so you ignore it then sebijik tiga solan samaaaaaaaa kot but you didn't find the answer. (Well now you know why you dont have to ask, ill tell you eventually). Kwenchana though. Finally get through the mental breakdown after eating herher. Kenyang perut suka hati kan herher. But then again tiba tiba thought that cukup ke usaha aku ni untuk pay off success? Ke sebab tak cukup sebab tu jadi macam ni? Am desperately wanting to get 60 and above for this sem. At least graduate i can get second upper class. Eventhough dreamt of getting first class before but ye kita buat sesuatu dengan SMART. Specific measureable achievable realistic and time bound. So saya ukur baju di badan saya bukan badan orang lain. Herher. As semua kat sini cakap 'emm weh teruk wehh aku carry mark sikit' well yorobun bukan beautiful je sibjektif. Definition markah sikit tu pun subjektif. Pada mata anda sikit, tapi pada orang lain boleh jadi banyak. 

Posted a status on FB 'mental breakdown'. Lepas tu 😍

Even comments from your friends in FB pun awok boleh terharu. Haih hati awak ni sangat le sensitip. 😌

*perasan yang setiap kali tulis dekat blog ni, after written down all my problems ke ke pleasure ke apa ke, i will always reflect myself. That i need to bersyukur no matter what. Allah will give you what the best for you. Bagus banyak banyak lah reflect diri ya. Sedar diri sikit awak kat mana. Ingat put Allah in His rightful place. Tempat tertinggi kayh?! 

In memory of your hard(?)work

Okwed not okwed lah

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Am amazed on how this picture is the most normal picture for the three of us. Saranghae yorobun. I'll treasure all of our memories forever. Disemai rapi rapi dalam hatiku. Apakah 🙄