it's been a while. and i'm here in malaysia huhuhu. gebang kata tak nak balik tahun ni. haha balik juga akhirnya. selamat hari raya guys! now it's 9th raya! alhamdulillah still dpat duit raya lagi tahun ni. hiks!
okay back to the main topic!
past creates you or the environment you lived in creates your personality. As previously said, bila I tried to write down or talked about my problem, I would regret of saying it out loud. sbb rasa macam ish tak bersyukur ke ain dengan apa yang kau ada sekarang? that kind of feeling. rasa bersalah for not being wholly grateful for what have been given to you. macam tu. so i know i'll regret this later, tapi since i've poured it out once to amini and nadiah so maybe it will lessen the feeling of regretting of complaining. lulz. kaitan. dah lama dah poured out this topic, tapi bila tengok bandal chinggu (a Winner's broadcast bout childcare) where Mino and Seunghoon described their students' real behavior to the parents and how different the students are at home and school strucked me. huhu. I'm different too. I'm not sure about others, I do think that I have split personality hahha. When I with my family, I would be less expressive. Tapi dalam hati hanya tuhan yang tahu gitu. But I expresed anger well lulz, sebab tu my brothers sometimes called me Kak Ros sebab asyik marah je. huhu. And when I'm with my friends, I think I act like spoilt brat. I do. I am. I'll act like I'm the youngest and they need to love me more than others. Craving for attention gitu. I expressed it well though; baring on their laps, menyendeng in their room, sleep besides them, play with their hair. And maybe because diorang pun treat me like that kadang kadang kalau i think i'm hell annoying haha. well i sedar diri. I don't know why I being like this. hmm that's what my environment did to me.
kalau cerita pasal pasts pulak, I do have a lot of scars. Psychically and literally. Tapi now we're talking about literal scars. First how I control my anger. Honestly kalau hidup dengan aku dari kecik smapai sekarang I do improve a lot. A LOT! For instance dulu masa darjah 6, kalau ada pertandingan hias kelas ke apa ke, and kalau ada orang buat design jadual kelas sama dengan apa yang aku buat, I'll get angry. Sumpah scary (gedik pun ya yang gedik menyampah tu). I'll bebel and cry sampai I get what i want. Maybe this is more to competitiveness. Ni pun satu hal. Tapi ni tak ccol down sampai sekarang but how I handle it now, better la sebab I supress my anger hahaha. This kind of attitude continue until Form 3. lama kan haha. Main reason I think why I have less friends. haha. Now bila ada something yang buat aku marah, I'll stay quiet and complain in heart. Sampai tahap tak tahan, I'll run away and talk (whatsapp) to someone who don't know to whom I'm angry to. Then I'll calm down. Mybe sebab aku tak nak gaduh. Besar besar gaduh buat apa, so I think supressing is a better way than expressing it. Kau nak hidup dengan manusia tu lama lagi. That's what I thought if I feel like exploding. Secondly, about trust and people. Dulu I think, I easily trust people. Sekarang pun ada la lagi sikit. Tapi after several incidents, dh tak nak dah percaya 100% dekat semua orang or reveal abt myself even 40%. Sebab when I'm revealing my true self or cerita problems, that's mean I trust the person. And sekarang ada certain orang je boleh tau problem aku. Dah tak nak dah. TAK NAK! So I jadi lebih jual mahal sekarang haha. Hmm.
Banyak benda berubah daripada dulu. How I talk, how I behave, how I think. Banyak lah and all that thanks to experiences. Betullah orang cakap pengalaman mematangkan kita. And satu lagi, saying yang kata luas permandangan, luas pengetahuan. Since I'll able to travel around the world ni (ceehhh) I do learn a lot. About facts, navigation, transports, and most interesting is I learn about myself. I realised that when I'm alone watching views from trains, planes, cars I think alot. Lagi lagi bila kita tukar tukar partner berjalan. Lagilah I reflect banyak. Sebab we treat people differently according to how they treat us. And one more! Kawan kita dalah cerminan kita! Ni sumpah betul! Sebab, kadang kadang I talked exactly like she did. And I dnt like it. Maybe sebab aku rasa aku nak dia rasa apa yang aku rasa but thats not the best way. Hmm. So bila my friend do something yang I think uncomfortable to me, I sometimes reflected "macam tu ke aku?" Hm. bukan budak budak je tiru apa kita buat. itu pengajaran ya!
Alright. So much already! and this rojak language amboi. K boi!
