Wednesday, 13 July 2016
past creates you
it's been a while. and i'm here in malaysia huhuhu. gebang kata tak nak balik tahun ni. haha balik juga akhirnya. selamat hari raya guys! now it's 9th raya! alhamdulillah still dpat duit raya lagi tahun ni. hiks!
okay back to the main topic!
past creates you or the environment you lived in creates your personality. As previously said, bila I tried to write down or talked about my problem, I would regret of saying it out loud. sbb rasa macam ish tak bersyukur ke ain dengan apa yang kau ada sekarang? that kind of feeling. rasa bersalah for not being wholly grateful for what have been given to you. macam tu. so i know i'll regret this later, tapi since i've poured it out once to amini and nadiah so maybe it will lessen the feeling of regretting of complaining. lulz. kaitan. dah lama dah poured out this topic, tapi bila tengok bandal chinggu (a Winner's broadcast bout childcare) where Mino and Seunghoon described their students' real behavior to the parents and how different the students are at home and school strucked me. huhu. I'm different too. I'm not sure about others, I do think that I have split personality hahha. When I with my family, I would be less expressive. Tapi dalam hati hanya tuhan yang tahu gitu. But I expresed anger well lulz, sebab tu my brothers sometimes called me Kak Ros sebab asyik marah je. huhu. And when I'm with my friends, I think I act like spoilt brat. I do. I am. I'll act like I'm the youngest and they need to love me more than others. Craving for attention gitu. I expressed it well though; baring on their laps, menyendeng in their room, sleep besides them, play with their hair. And maybe because diorang pun treat me like that kadang kadang kalau i think i'm hell annoying haha. well i sedar diri. I don't know why I being like this. hmm that's what my environment did to me.
kalau cerita pasal pasts pulak, I do have a lot of scars. Psychically and literally. Tapi now we're talking about literal scars. First how I control my anger. Honestly kalau hidup dengan aku dari kecik smapai sekarang I do improve a lot. A LOT! For instance dulu masa darjah 6, kalau ada pertandingan hias kelas ke apa ke, and kalau ada orang buat design jadual kelas sama dengan apa yang aku buat, I'll get angry. Sumpah scary (gedik pun ya yang gedik menyampah tu). I'll bebel and cry sampai I get what i want. Maybe this is more to competitiveness. Ni pun satu hal. Tapi ni tak ccol down sampai sekarang but how I handle it now, better la sebab I supress my anger hahaha. This kind of attitude continue until Form 3. lama kan haha. Main reason I think why I have less friends. haha. Now bila ada something yang buat aku marah, I'll stay quiet and complain in heart. Sampai tahap tak tahan, I'll run away and talk (whatsapp) to someone who don't know to whom I'm angry to. Then I'll calm down. Mybe sebab aku tak nak gaduh. Besar besar gaduh buat apa, so I think supressing is a better way than expressing it. Kau nak hidup dengan manusia tu lama lagi. That's what I thought if I feel like exploding. Secondly, about trust and people. Dulu I think, I easily trust people. Sekarang pun ada la lagi sikit. Tapi after several incidents, dh tak nak dah percaya 100% dekat semua orang or reveal abt myself even 40%. Sebab when I'm revealing my true self or cerita problems, that's mean I trust the person. And sekarang ada certain orang je boleh tau problem aku. Dah tak nak dah. TAK NAK! So I jadi lebih jual mahal sekarang haha. Hmm.
Banyak benda berubah daripada dulu. How I talk, how I behave, how I think. Banyak lah and all that thanks to experiences. Betullah orang cakap pengalaman mematangkan kita. And satu lagi, saying yang kata luas permandangan, luas pengetahuan. Since I'll able to travel around the world ni (ceehhh) I do learn a lot. About facts, navigation, transports, and most interesting is I learn about myself. I realised that when I'm alone watching views from trains, planes, cars I think alot. Lagi lagi bila kita tukar tukar partner berjalan. Lagilah I reflect banyak. Sebab we treat people differently according to how they treat us. And one more! Kawan kita dalah cerminan kita! Ni sumpah betul! Sebab, kadang kadang I talked exactly like she did. And I dnt like it. Maybe sebab aku rasa aku nak dia rasa apa yang aku rasa but thats not the best way. Hmm. So bila my friend do something yang I think uncomfortable to me, I sometimes reflected "macam tu ke aku?" Hm. bukan budak budak je tiru apa kita buat. itu pengajaran ya!
Alright. So much already! and this rojak language amboi. K boi!
okay back to the main topic!
past creates you or the environment you lived in creates your personality. As previously said, bila I tried to write down or talked about my problem, I would regret of saying it out loud. sbb rasa macam ish tak bersyukur ke ain dengan apa yang kau ada sekarang? that kind of feeling. rasa bersalah for not being wholly grateful for what have been given to you. macam tu. so i know i'll regret this later, tapi since i've poured it out once to amini and nadiah so maybe it will lessen the feeling of regretting of complaining. lulz. kaitan. dah lama dah poured out this topic, tapi bila tengok bandal chinggu (a Winner's broadcast bout childcare) where Mino and Seunghoon described their students' real behavior to the parents and how different the students are at home and school strucked me. huhu. I'm different too. I'm not sure about others, I do think that I have split personality hahha. When I with my family, I would be less expressive. Tapi dalam hati hanya tuhan yang tahu gitu. But I expresed anger well lulz, sebab tu my brothers sometimes called me Kak Ros sebab asyik marah je. huhu. And when I'm with my friends, I think I act like spoilt brat. I do. I am. I'll act like I'm the youngest and they need to love me more than others. Craving for attention gitu. I expressed it well though; baring on their laps, menyendeng in their room, sleep besides them, play with their hair. And maybe because diorang pun treat me like that kadang kadang kalau i think i'm hell annoying haha. well i sedar diri. I don't know why I being like this. hmm that's what my environment did to me.
kalau cerita pasal pasts pulak, I do have a lot of scars. Psychically and literally. Tapi now we're talking about literal scars. First how I control my anger. Honestly kalau hidup dengan aku dari kecik smapai sekarang I do improve a lot. A LOT! For instance dulu masa darjah 6, kalau ada pertandingan hias kelas ke apa ke, and kalau ada orang buat design jadual kelas sama dengan apa yang aku buat, I'll get angry. Sumpah scary (gedik pun ya yang gedik menyampah tu). I'll bebel and cry sampai I get what i want. Maybe this is more to competitiveness. Ni pun satu hal. Tapi ni tak ccol down sampai sekarang but how I handle it now, better la sebab I supress my anger hahaha. This kind of attitude continue until Form 3. lama kan haha. Main reason I think why I have less friends. haha. Now bila ada something yang buat aku marah, I'll stay quiet and complain in heart. Sampai tahap tak tahan, I'll run away and talk (whatsapp) to someone who don't know to whom I'm angry to. Then I'll calm down. Mybe sebab aku tak nak gaduh. Besar besar gaduh buat apa, so I think supressing is a better way than expressing it. Kau nak hidup dengan manusia tu lama lagi. That's what I thought if I feel like exploding. Secondly, about trust and people. Dulu I think, I easily trust people. Sekarang pun ada la lagi sikit. Tapi after several incidents, dh tak nak dah percaya 100% dekat semua orang or reveal abt myself even 40%. Sebab when I'm revealing my true self or cerita problems, that's mean I trust the person. And sekarang ada certain orang je boleh tau problem aku. Dah tak nak dah. TAK NAK! So I jadi lebih jual mahal sekarang haha. Hmm.
Banyak benda berubah daripada dulu. How I talk, how I behave, how I think. Banyak lah and all that thanks to experiences. Betullah orang cakap pengalaman mematangkan kita. And satu lagi, saying yang kata luas permandangan, luas pengetahuan. Since I'll able to travel around the world ni (ceehhh) I do learn a lot. About facts, navigation, transports, and most interesting is I learn about myself. I realised that when I'm alone watching views from trains, planes, cars I think alot. Lagi lagi bila kita tukar tukar partner berjalan. Lagilah I reflect banyak. Sebab we treat people differently according to how they treat us. And one more! Kawan kita dalah cerminan kita! Ni sumpah betul! Sebab, kadang kadang I talked exactly like she did. And I dnt like it. Maybe sebab aku rasa aku nak dia rasa apa yang aku rasa but thats not the best way. Hmm. So bila my friend do something yang I think uncomfortable to me, I sometimes reflected "macam tu ke aku?" Hm. bukan budak budak je tiru apa kita buat. itu pengajaran ya!
Alright. So much already! and this rojak language amboi. K boi!
Tuesday, 19 January 2016
crybaby
such as crybaby. tangan ada bisul sikit pun nak nangeh. padahal tak sakit sangat pun. cuma sakit kalau bergerak dan disentuh. and nangis tu sbb takut doktor nak picit nnti. just the thought can make me cry. ohmai such a crybaby. alhamdulillah ada kawan yg sangat sangat baik. thank you minie bagi pinjam steroid. thank you shasba letakkan timun and balutkan guna plastik (huhu), thank you fa concern and nak temankan aku pergi jumpa pharmacist esok. thank you kirin dengar aku bebel nangis sbb takut kena picit.
Tuesday, 12 January 2016
Exaym ke awuck
Yes indeed after a month of study week finally set off to exam. Two days constutivley. Cancer essay and CNS rogo. and both lecture materials combined can get two Alquran. I mean the pages. Never had this kind of exam schedule before (back to back exam) so it was hectic. Really. I thought I would never focus during study but right after a tiring evening perah otak for cancer exam then straight go through over another thick handbook cause you need to finish this in less than 24 hours, I break record of studying straight for 6 hours. Not sure how many lecture in the module but surely have a full list of medicines in an A4. Tu tak masuk lagi k thats for what and what side effect and complication and all. No ain tak baik mengeluh. But after the exam (dont ask how was it) Dengan computer asyik crash and you previously saw the question in the handbook but thinking its too late to find the answer so you ignore it then sebijik tiga solan samaaaaaaaa kot but you didn't find the answer. (Well now you know why you dont have to ask, ill tell you eventually). Kwenchana though. Finally get through the mental breakdown after eating herher. Kenyang perut suka hati kan herher. But then again tiba tiba thought that cukup ke usaha aku ni untuk pay off success? Ke sebab tak cukup sebab tu jadi macam ni? Am desperately wanting to get 60 and above for this sem. At least graduate i can get second upper class. Eventhough dreamt of getting first class before but ye kita buat sesuatu dengan SMART. Specific measureable achievable realistic and time bound. So saya ukur baju di badan saya bukan badan orang lain. Herher. As semua kat sini cakap 'emm weh teruk wehh aku carry mark sikit' well yorobun bukan beautiful je sibjektif. Definition markah sikit tu pun subjektif. Pada mata anda sikit, tapi pada orang lain boleh jadi banyak.
Posted a status on FB 'mental breakdown'. Lepas tu 😍
Even comments from your friends in FB pun awok boleh terharu. Haih hati awak ni sangat le sensitip. 😌
*perasan yang setiap kali tulis dekat blog ni, after written down all my problems ke ke pleasure ke apa ke, i will always reflect myself. That i need to bersyukur no matter what. Allah will give you what the best for you. Bagus banyak banyak lah reflect diri ya. Sedar diri sikit awak kat mana. Ingat put Allah in His rightful place. Tempat tertinggi kayh?!
In memory of your hard(?)work
Monday, 28 December 2015
Okwed not okwed lah
\
Am amazed on how this picture is the most normal picture for the three of us. Saranghae yorobun. I'll treasure all of our memories forever. Disemai rapi rapi dalam hatiku. Apakah 🙄
Sunday, 27 December 2015
antara cita dan impian (cewahhhhhhhhhhh)
tak jadi aku nak study. nab punya pasal la ni. pergi cerita pasal kisah hidup dia pulak. hahaha. haa! salahkan orang salahkan orang dia yang tak reti nak bahagi masa ish!
since we on the topic of time and shall i add hardwork? so im going to express something here. sekarang sudy week. no study month. and since we have such lots of time and now im fooling around. i dont know where the hardworking girl that i used to be. where the determination that i used to have? tipu kalau kata tak tercabar dengan bee dengan fa dengan nurul lagi lagi dengan minie of course. dengan aida, dengan lily, dengan malisa. hmm masa foundation dulu. at least nak semangat tu. tapi makin lama belajar makin hilang minat, makin hilang fokus dalam kelas. selalu fikir. dah hilang minat dekat pharmacy ke dah hilang minat dekat belajar sebenarnya ni? ingat lagi dulu ada debate from one side to be a housewife and another side be a working wife. and i really opposed minie's idea of being housewife after going through such hardship for four years MPharm degree! lagi lagi she's a genius! but you know now im on her side hahaha. am planning of being a hospital pharmacist for a short period of time until i get married and have my own child then ill quit. after being a housewife for a year or so, i will get back to work but not as a pharmacist but as a chemistry teacher. hahahaha. still i dont to waste my four years studies about all these stuffs that blerghhhhhhhhhhhh (eh tak blergh tak blergh aku je yang blerghh)
we are in the age of keep on thinking about future (marriage mostly -_- gatal!) so seriously when they started to talk or imagining themselves about their self in hospital or in pharmacy or being covered by medicine ( not being sick kayhh being a pro kayhh) i wondered myself. kau nak jadi apa. apa impian kau? apa nak jadi besar nanti? lol tak besar ke sekarang lol. lets reminiscing my dream masa kecik kayhh, emm cashier (hahahahhahaha jadah), cikgu then upgrade to lecturer sebab ibu kata jadilah lecturer dapat banyak sikit duit (huhu), then tukar jadi pediatrician then ayah kata kaklong perempuan kalau jadi doktor nanti busy sangat kesian family. hmm yeah taking that into consideration too. then lastly pursue a dream of becoming pharmacist right now. then again being a teacher hahahaha. (not a lecturer because you need to have a phd to be one, so tak nak belajar lagi, nak mengajar je) oh ya! a singer! eh tak im mature enough to think about having singing as a professional job (cashier tu mende? hahahaha) but deep inside the passion to sing never die lol. considering about taking a traditional singing class one day. lama dah bersara. cehh macam pro sangat je. baru menang sekali tu pun no dua. bajet *smirk face
dah tak payah bebel panjang pergi baca ectoparasite. esok nak p manchester. kena tidur awal. ha!
Thursday, 19 November 2015
emo
hai nak post emo lagi. hahaha.
well, tak pernah ke rasa yang rasa sedih tiba tiba yang kau rasa nak ada orang sebelah kau or palin tak pun ada orang boleh happy kan kau? tapi when you desperately need one, no one there. haha. pathetic habis. well, if i tell someone pun, orang tu pun will like' ha emo emo!' or won't layan pun. sebab like' pfft ain emo la tu biarlah dia kejap lagi elok la tu'
sumpah in need of pantai. sebab those words won't get me better pun. make me worse adalah like im the useless person in the world yang orang lain macam pfft pehal dia ni. well music is my forever chinggu. entah bye!
or maybe i don't even cried for help? but i'm not used to it.
well, tak pernah ke rasa yang rasa sedih tiba tiba yang kau rasa nak ada orang sebelah kau or palin tak pun ada orang boleh happy kan kau? tapi when you desperately need one, no one there. haha. pathetic habis. well, if i tell someone pun, orang tu pun will like' ha emo emo!' or won't layan pun. sebab like' pfft ain emo la tu biarlah dia kejap lagi elok la tu'
sumpah in need of pantai. sebab those words won't get me better pun. make me worse adalah like im the useless person in the world yang orang lain macam pfft pehal dia ni. well music is my forever chinggu. entah bye!
or maybe i don't even cried for help? but i'm not used to it.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)