Part of heart

I got huge sensitive part of my heart that is about friends and family. I dont cry for romance movies. I cried for 3 idiots movies, i cried on everything related to friends and family, i supposed. Ive been thinking who are my real friend? Am i a good friend? If i have a huge problem ahead of me, would someone lend her shoulder for me to cry on? Would someone ever noticed that im in troubled? Would someone would lend their hand to help me? And if ive gone forever, would someone pray for may eternity happiness up there forever? Just wondering.

Thank you for being with me all this time. Thank you for making me warm and happy all the time. You guys are the people who i spent my time the most with. Im sorry if i annoyed you, im sorry if i did something wrong in front or behind your back. Truthfully, i cant go on with my life without you guys. Saranghae. Chinca.

Sekian post emo

Depressed

Sorry ni meluahkan perasaan sikit

Kenapa nak kena tanya siapa pergi so on and so forth? Why we need to follow others while we have our own pleasure to be satisfied? Emo i know but i really dont understand. But really girl if you mirrored yourself, you see your reflection exactly the same as theirs. Serious. K they want to do something else then you asked is there anyone joining? Or sorry im not interested. Yeah sure whats wrong with that. Im sorry im just getting emotional sebab lately i think ive no friends to do everthing with. Even i have one, and if i keep pestering them, in one point they'll get so annoyed with me. Im sorry i have nobody but you guys here. I keep whining, i keep spoiled myself to you guys. Im sorry i know im annoying. But.. Nah its okay kenchana. Im good. Im strong. I can stand on my own. Mianne. 

Im good serious. 

teruk

no lah i wont write this post in english or maybe mix, because i do think i'm lacking vocab kalau nak masuk deep deep feelings ni. 

so it's been almost three weeks after i've settled down in UK. and everything is great here. the people, the environment, the school, the weather (huhu), the accomodation, the food! yes, alhamdulillah everything is just fine. except myself. I'm being too comfortable now. Comfort in my own world. The world that I create for fun to make my time fullfilled with fun things. Yes we do need to filled our life with happiness, but I've filled in so much that I've forgotten to fill in the creator of the happiness. The One who allow me to be happy, to be such in comfort. Allah! Allah Rabbana. Teruknya aku. Every end of my prayers, I seldomly recite my prayers. I'm always in a hurry. I don't even know whta i'm rushing into. Ya Allah teruknya aku. If I wanting something so bad, I would pray hard every end of prayers or all the time, but now after I've gotten all my wishes, I've gone mad! seriously. Alhamdulillah Allah waked me up. I don't know how, but I just realized it. I teruk. Luar maybe I looked nice, shy and all. But inside, I'm rotten. My heart swayed too much. Far away from it used to be. 

Alhamdulillah Allah still sedarkan aku from this wildest dream(huhu). Kalau Allah decide takmolah sedarkan dia ni, berapa kali dah kena tegur, buat sekejap je then balik semula berangan dalam dunia sendiri, buat hal sendiri tak peduli aku. Ha! cemana! Siapa nak tolong sedarkan aku kalau bukan Allah? Kalau kau tak ingat dia every single day, and kalau kau buat pun suruhan dia every day tapi you did not put your heart and soul in it, or you don't even mean to do it, or you just filled in your daily routine hmmm apa ceritanya macam tu. But frankly, that's you. every day! you're describing yourself very well. Charesso! Remember, fun is fun but always in your heart is Allah. Do good, feel good, because Allah and Islam is good. Peace. 

bende aku tulis tunggang langgang. chiao!

Nothing

Nothing, just randomly want to write something.

Hmm, I just start to put some stuffs in the bag, and think that the bag is so big, and there's so much space, what else to bring? huhu. Might depart at 16th September. Not feeling anxious nor excited. Just nothing huhu. So yes, this post will be entitle 'Nothing'.

Macam tak layak nak tulis post hari ni. tapi tangan ni gatal nak menaip. huhu.

So maybe, I just want to describe my friends in here. Sangat random huhu sangat.

(No orders, maybe one who pass through my head would be the orders.)

Johan : Congratulations sis! You're the first one! Maybe sebab baru baca your gf's tweet about you. kekeke sangat! Hmm he's the only guy I can randomly talk about things yang irrelevant yang out of mind. Usually I always talk those things with girls, but he just to 'comfortable' to talk about everything. And we always diss each other. Kuat menganjing dia ni. And thank you for comforting me and thank you too for always share your problem with me. And thank you again for not segan saying rindu and all. hahaha. You're the first kot who said that merely as a guy friend!

Fa : Well, I can't missed her of course. kekeke. She's the one who teaching me weird slang (which does not exist, she's the creator, how awesome is that!), she's the one who makes me involved with Kpop kekeke, I don't blame you 100% but you ignite the spark huhu. And she's the only one who hafal all my crushes and who crushed on me. My bed partner, my secret partner. So when someone is pouring out their secrets to me, I would "I know yours, you should know mine too". camtu ha prinsip dia. But all of them, safe with her. Very health-concious and very charming with her own style. Met her for the very first time at parking lots on the first day of Foundation in Nottingham Semenyih. Never thought that she would be my bestfriend. (Well, I consider her as one)

Bee : A very small secretive girl. Never knew a single secret from her. So her principle is just "I hate throwbacks, just look forward" Kemain kau! But she's very diligent when she's doing something. Very detailed. Even selalu marah marah pun, ikut jugak cakap orang. kekeke. So sorry that you've been roommate with two kaklongs who ordering someone else is their nature. huhu. I like to squeeze into her space (bed, table, chair, phone, ipad, wtv) because I just like it, I feel like hmm she's small, I can fit. kekeke. saja nak manja. trolols.

Kirin : She's my emotional partner. We can't help but being emotional 24 hours. Very unstable mood. So when I'm in the mood of  'Kirin', I would cry or I would imagining things, berangan sampai nak rak, travel all around the world, getting pretty, all pretty things. hahaha. Because she's pretty yet she said she's not confident in her looks. Well, all pretty girls said that (not me, I'm not confident, but seriously I am not pretty). First time went to Sephora, and shocked at how she's donning herself in the shop. Hahaha. I can't barely touch the make up. haha. And yes, Her face is my canvas. hihi.

Eza : This gemok. Looks though but yet very soft inside. Softer than me. kahkah. I might be the opposite. Looks soft (lulz) but though inside (lah sangat). Very concerned about each and every single of her friends. A hot-blooded young lady, able to voice out anything she wanted to, very down to earth. willing to sacrifice things for her beloved one. She is a great friend. Shockingly, she is not my classmate nor my roommate. We getting know each other in a school camp. We've been so close. I'm not a very friendly person, so I just have a 'countable' friends. She's the one who connect me to my other school friends. Kalau tak I awkward macam batu.

Irfaan : Another friend from nowhere yang always ask me how am I doing. Dah la datang time memang when I need someone to talk to. Huhu. Thank you for being a good advisor, a good friend when in need. Sorry for all those random questions hahaha. And there's one time he was in the peak of problems, he just I don't know it's though. But he can survived it. I may not give the best advice to him, but hope it helps. Hahaha, Thank you for remembering my birthday! I get confused yours with Hari Malaysia's huhu. But go September babies! You rock!

These six, Thank you for being always on top of my whatsapp list. Personal whatsapp lah. Not group. Hope that you guys would always there for me. And yes, I'm always available for you guys too. XOXO. From me.

Still tough

Assalamualaikum, baru ada masa nak mengupdate huhu. So, last Friday, we went so anxious waiting for our results from Mara and Ella decided to call the officer directly. Then, all of us called. And Alhamdulillah, I've passed huhu! Quite shocking you know, because all this while, I tried to calculate my marks, and my marks are nearly 60. Just nearly not exactly!And then Shasha said in whatsapp group and said she got 58.8 and still can't pursue. So I freaked out, and when I heard the officer that I one of the students who passed with marks 60, I was like woahhh! My mark is 60? Ya Allah alhamdulillah. *nearly cried* But I feel not so great knowing that only half of MPharm students passed the marks, so thats mean only 13 of us can fly to UK. No! Shiro! Andwe! Cannot! They must go with us! Together! It's tough for all of us. So tomorrow, they will know their appeal result, and I hope for the best. Okay enough about that.

So when we got our financial statement, we hurriedly applied visa, and completing visa's form is not easy. It's so tiring! I started at 10pm and finished only completing the first part which are the forms at 2.00 am. wow tak wow kat situ? And the next day I woke up subuh and continued with the payment process. and failed several times. Too much stress, with loads of houseworks to do; feed the cats, cook lunch, do laundry, clean the sink! Oh my god, I can''t even take a break to wash my face! It drained my physical and mental strength. Fuhh! Amini complained, that she can't pay due to bank card problem and the hospital that she booked, can only do the medical check up at 1st Sept and we need to pass all the documents to Mara office before 31st Aug. So she was stressed out and cried out "Aku sedih ain, semua benda tak kena, siapa kata pergi oversea happy, aku tak happy pun, aku demam 2 3 hari dah, nangis lagi, emosi tak stabil" Okay everyone is not in their right state of mind. It's tough!

And today, I went to Pantai Hospital to do my medical check up. Went there at 9 am and they drew out my blood, take my urine sample, I hand in my Xray film and they write a report, then I went home to cook lunch! Since, ella was in camp in Ayer Keroh and today is her last day so we went to Ayam Penyet for lunch. I get lost even in the MITC area -_- Then we talked about how was the appeal and all. Hope everything gonna be fine! Amiin. at 3.00 I went back to the hospital to collect the lab results and met up with the doctor to do some thorough check. Guess what, I'm not a type of health concious person so if I fell sick, I just take medicine (not really actually) or just leave it until it cured by itself. So when the doctor did some thorough check, He said that he heard heartbeat murmur. I've learned this before, so I think a weird sound in my heart doesn't sound good. And he said that it's quite loud maybe it caused by valve that doesn't close completely, so it practically loose. So there's backflow of blod, so oxygenated blood and deoxygenated blood could mixed together and this leads to blackout or faint. Less of oxygen. So when I recalled, the last time I do sport, I almost blackout, my face was completely pale and when I having menstruation, I almost faint several times. Huhu. What is happening to me? 

Day by day, I received good and bad news. Huhu. But for everything that make my life challenging and colourful, I prayed Alhamdulillah. Not everyone could afford a laptop even a broken one to write a blog, not everyone has wifi at their house, not everyone is able to go to Pantai hospital to do medical check up, not everyone can drive like i do (huhu), not everyone can hear azaan like i do right now. So it's a wrap for today huhu. Alhamdulillah for everything.  

School-sick

stylo mylo kechi?

It's not like I'm getting sick about school but it's the opposite. I'm currently missing school. Feels excited to get ready to school, learn, do homeworks, meetings aaaaaa can't wait. Like seriously. So, InsyaAllah I'm going to experience new school in new environment in a new world new temperature blabla all brand new. Siapa tak suka benda baru woi! hihi. So I'm quite excited and not to mention these mix feelings not knowing any news from Mara yet. huhu. Hoping a very good news from you this Monday, Mara!

Imagine, what to wear at your first day, What bag? What books? Which shoes? Which head scarf? Where should we take our first selfie together? When should we upload them in Instagram? Omg just typing these making me so excited. huhu. K can't wait seriously. Just don't take me down giving me bad news. I have enough of bad news already. So! Kita enjoy!

chinggu

keh keh mengadanya lah title post. Well I'm so blessed with all of these chinggus around me. Really. I would like to quote zue's Instagram caption

"kita bukan organisasi, kita bukan pemerintahan, kita bukan team, tapi kita adalah keluarga.
sejak dulu kita dipertemukan sampai nanti kita dipisahkan. tetap menggenggam erat makna bersama. satu dan saling memiliki."

well deep tak deep? With some problems I'm having right now, with some emotional imbalance I'm experience right now, they cheered up my life make me forgetting life for a moment. Because we are in another world, where the world is ours. Some may know my problems, and some may not understand. But all of them helped in their own way. Thank you very much.

I don't know why I'm more expressive towards chinggus more than to ohana. Maybe ohana put too much expectation on me, so I feel burdened? While my chinggus are at the same mental age and they know my struggle. Kah! So to my chinggus out there, thank you for comforting me, cheering me up, listening to me, spoiled me too much :'( *I really cried* Nothing can repay your kindness. Saranghae yorobun chinggus and ohana.